Holiday Season....

God has not given is a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

Can you feel the seasons changing? The older I get, the faster they come.  It seems like it was just yesterday that I was readying the kids for the school year.  Gathering pencils and new school supplies after a fun and eventful summer that really is just a blur in my mind of so many activities. The sense of another Holiday season is here.  Large meals where I overstuff myself, buy too many presents and eat an enormous about of baked goods and candies.  Ugggghhhh don't get me wrong I love Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays and all the many celebrations throughout the year. I love having family and friends over to my house and going over to family and friends homes.  What I don't love is that I get caught up in the commercialism of the holidays.  What I don't love is that I am tempted and then often choose to sin. 

I am getting my own house ready for thanksgiving this week and already I sent my husband several frantic texts...  How can we do this? When will I have time for this? Who can watch the kids here? What if it rains? How will we afford this? We won't be able to afford that!!! And on and on.... We have 4 birthdays within these 2 major holidays and we still haven't given our daughter her present (dance lessons) from her birthday in July.  I feel the stress of I should have been saving and budgeting all year long and now here is Black Friday looming before me and I don't have any money to shop and we all know if I don't shop Black Friday I won't get the best deals, I won't be able to get as much for my kids as I want and on and on and on....  ahhhhhhhhhhhh. Yes that is me screaming!   

Somewhere in me I realize that there is so much more to life than this. Somewhere in me I realize I am in sin.  I think back to my childhood and all the lean years we had and how that isn't the things that I remember.  My own kids have had years where we literally bought them nothing for Christmas (yes they still got presents from grandmas and grandpas) but we as their parents weren't able to buy them a single thing.  There has also been years when we were able to buy them more than any kid should ever get.  I bet if I asked them they wouldn't be able to tell the difference in which years were which.  Perspective....  I need to get some quickly so I take a look around the room.  I am warm in my home, fuzzy socks on and sitting at my kitchen table. I have sweet dogs on my lap, kids playing in the background.  Last minute school reports due busily being typed up by my older kids. I have more clothes for my family than I can even keep up with in the wash and even though most of us have a little cold, really we are all pretty darn healthy.  My husband has a job that he loves and doesn't see as a job but as a ministry that he gets to do.  I get to stay home most every day with my children and I have done so for the last 17 years. He has always provided our daily NEEDS, even many of our wants.  Our pantry is full, so is our fridge and freezer.  We have family and friends in our lives and feel incredibly blessed by their love....  Why was I stressed? Why was I fearful? Why was I sending those obnoxious texts to my poor husband.  He has told me not to fear, He has told me to trust Him in all things. I somewhere stopped listening to His voice and started listening to my own and everyone else's. 

  Forgive me God.  I wasn't even being asked to walk on water and I was panicking.  I wasn't even being asked to deny my faith or die for you and I was fearful. I wasn't even being asked to go without just to wait for your timing, your provision....  Oh how impatient I am.  How fearful and stressed I easily become over things that I won't even remember tomorrow.  

Help me God! Help me choose faith over fear.  Help me remember what is really most important this Holiday season.  I want to thank you for everything and celebrate the birth of your son Jesus Christ.  I am so thankful for the time I sit at my table each day, read your word and pray.  I am so thankful that you know how frail I am and that you forgive me. I know it is because of your great compassion and unfailing love.  If anyone else out there is afraid, letting their fears control them or dictate their behavior, help them come to you, just like you helped me.  In Jesus name, amen. 

Then I read this in one of my favorite devotionals..... 

"If we medicate fear with angry outbursts, drinking binges, sullen withdrawals, self-starvation, or viselike control, we exclude God from the solution and exacerbate the problem. We subject ourselves to a position of fear, allowing anxiety to dominate and define our lives. Joy-sapping worries. Day-numbing dread. Repeated bouts of insecurity that petrify and paralyze us. Hysteria is not from God. 'For God has not given us a spirit of fear.'" (2 Timothy 1:7) - Max Lucado

Now off to call and apologize to my husband for attempting to drag him into my pit.  :-) 

Let all that I am, praise the LORD!

Here is a small glimpse into my prayer journal. I don't share this as a "wow I am so great, look how I pray". Not all my prayers are like this, many are full of tears, confessions of sin, ugly parts of my heart.... But today.... God has me singing His praises and I thought maybe it would encourage you to do the same.  He is worthy to be praised! 

I secretly want to be a farmer...

Ok I don't really want to be a farmer. I know enough of farm life to know it's long days, often dirty, smelly work, exhausting stresses and like motherhood, a rewarding but a seemingly never ending job. Yet as my life as a pastors wife, homeschooling mom, etc. etc. etc... seems to be harder and harder these days I do escape to my fake farm, Hay Day. It's a game on my iPhone and it is sucking up my extra time. I get alerts all day long as to when my eggs need to be gathered, new crops planted, stuff sells in my farmers market etc. It's fun, but I am noticing I do it to escape... I am not old, but I have been married almost 18 years and been through enough painful things in my life to realize I am in a season of hurt. If it's not me, or loved ones in my life, it's people I am ministering to in my life. Emergency phone calls, families in distress, it feels as if things are hard in everyone around me and in my life all at the same time. Sometimes in ministry I feel like I want to post one of those injury signs at workplaces stating it's been so many days without a trauma.... But so far it would keep being at 0.
Driving home from my families house today, everyone in the car was sleeping and I was cruising along singing praise songs. It seemed as if the perfect one right after another kept playing and playing. It was such a healing time for my heart. Much better than any farm game and then I heard that familiar still small voice.... Remember Janet when at the beginning of the year I said I wanted you to sing. Sing no matter what came.... This is why. When you praise me even in the storms, even in the pains and heartbreaks of life, it releases my power in your life and in your heart and it heals you. I sighed.... I sang some more... He says the sweetest things to me in that still small voice.
Then to further confirm He is speaking to me and it's not just my own thoughts he starts speaking scripture into my heart.... Just like when the rabbi's would give the first part of a scripture so the student would know where to go look for the rest, He says to me.... I look up to the mountians- does my help come from there? My help comes from The Lord, who made heaven and earth.
I know that exact phrase is a psalm but I can't remember which one.... When I get home I look it up and sure enough. God is speaking sweet comfort to my soul. So tonight.... I am not escaping to my farm... Which I still enjoy playing.... I am escaping to His word. A much better place, a much sweeter promise, a true lasting place of comfort where I no longer have to escape, because He remains with me no matter what I face, no longer needing to escape the valley, because He is walking with me through it.

I look up to the mountains— does my help come from there? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth! He will not let you stumble; the one who watches over you will not slumber. Indeed, he who watches over Israel never slumbers or sleeps. The Lord himself watches over you! The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade. The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon at night. The Lord keeps you from all harm and watches over your life. The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever. (Psalms 121:1-8 NLT)

Walking on the water with Jesus

What would your life look like if you did not hold back? If you stepped out in faith, pushed through your deepest fears, conquered your demons, defeated your strongholds, forgave, forgot, and chose to truly live? What if the box you built for yourself suddenly had invisible walls and you were no longer held back by logistics, finances, relationships, insecurity, or doubt? What kind of a life would you be living now if the "reality" of your situation was not an excuse and you simply lived out your calling and your dreams without holding back?

I am a part of a small club of girls that are trying to keep each other accountable in our everydayness of life.  Reading our bibles, praying and working on things in our life, like more exercise, better food choices, etc., with the focus  to be, God first before everything else.  One of the girls asked the above questions and it inspired a blog writing out of me....

I love your question it really made me look back at my life and think about things... I came to this conclusion... I feel I made that choice a long time ago, to get out and walk on the water with Jesus and so my life would look exactly like it does right now.  I don't mean I have attained all spiritually, or that I won't ever try and climb back onto the boat, or that I have completely conquered it all and am doing everything you asked perfectly and at all moments in my life,  but that I am doing it... In the process, an ongoing thing in my life.... Let me explain.... 

I was saved at age 3.  Grew up being a pastors kid and always serving full time in every aspect of ministry you can think of.  Name it and I have most likely done it... I never really had a time of serious rebellion.  I certainly flirted with sin in my early teen years. Between the ages of 14-16 I really struggled with the call of Satan and the world, and wanting to sin and choosing to walk with God, despite what my friends did.  I ended up choosing God.  I quit the school I was in, started working full time, and did my 11th and 12th grade years of high school in one year so that I could graduate early and get away from the high school crowd of friends that at that time was where all my biggest temptations were....Mostly boys, I liked them, they liked me, and well... the verse about not awakening love before it's time has so much wisdom in it!!!!  Then I met my husband Rob and at the age of 18 I was married to him. Early in our marriage we decided that our marriage wasn't just for us and what we could get out of it, but so we could be a team that would love and serve God as best we could and help others that were put in our daily lives.  Before children, we would let people who needed a few months with no bills live with us, we would wether it was in our grocery budget or not have people over and feed them and encourage them.  When we lived in the ghetto we would make lunches for the young boys of the drunk across the street and have them over to play and feed them.  We would give them bibles and love on them and would minister to their mom as best we could.  After children and moving to a better neighborhood we still have had people live with us more often than we haven't, and I don't mean renting a room in our house so that we can have help with our own bills.  We have always let everyone live rent free,  I mother them a little, Rob fathers a little, doing those things for them they don't notice and won't notice until they have kids of their own someday.  We feed them and have even helped with extra bills they come up against even if we didn’t have the extra money to give. We served as full time volunteers  in our churches long before we were ever officially on staff for it, giving every extra hour after our day jobs to serve in any way we could. We have done missionary trips alone and together.  We have given extra money anonymously to help people we see need it, even when it meant we would go without. We have the heart of "if it needs to be done and we can do it or help we will."  We never asked to be in the leadership roles we are in now, it just is where we ended up after over 18 years of serving in whatever way we can at our church.  We have had many times of heartbreak, sickness, wondering what God was doing in our lives , times with money, times without.... My husband also volunteers as SDPD chaplain and although I don't do any other outside the church or home stuff right now, I know because I take on extra alone hours with the kids on top of the 40-50+ hours of work he does all week, he is able to do the volunteering and just like David said in the Old Testament...  The people who stay home and guard the stuff get to share in the reward just as much as those out fighting the battle.  We really are a team that serves together.  He has stayed home and "guarded the stuff" for me too.  We don't know how long we will be serving in the way we currently do, but just like every other moment of our life, we just sort of take it as it comes.  We have and will continue to do what God asks us to do daily. We don't wish and dream away the moments we are in.  Even when our only job was to wipe runny noses and clean the bathrooms, we were blessed and happy to do it and we still do those jobs, because we know every role in the church, in the community we live, in our home is vital.  

I don't share all this as wow, how amazing are we, not in any way do I mean that.... but really I give all glory to God, and credit to our parents.  They are both, his parents and mine, still married over 40+ years.  They both served and continue to serve their churches for many many years and both his parents and mine raised us to know God personally.  They raised us to not quit when things get hard and yucky. It isn’t all roses and glorious moments when you walk on the water with Jesus. My parents had us reading our bibles on our own daily, and together in family bible times since before I can remember.  My parents were always taking people in and feeding and loving on them.  They, both his parents and mine, would serve in any capacity that was needed. They would do missions trips, set up, clean up, childcare, janitorial, home fellowships anything....  They never despised the small every day things that God allowed them to do, and it often ended up God would lead them and bless them to bigger things too.  Yet they have always been the type that would still pick up a vacuum and clean if that is what the church or someone needed.  They would buy groceries for a random stranger in a store if that's what God showed them was needed, they would travel across the world to Africa to encourage other missionaries and share the gospel if that was what was needed. At our last ladies outreach that ended up being for 192 ladies my mom spent the Thursday prior gluing decorations  and cleaning and setting up tables. She never once said "someone else should do this....  Don't you know I used to be a popular guest speaker... Invited to do retreats and special functions for groups anywhere from 50-500." Nope she just quietly served and set up, so someone else could go up on stage the next day and share and be the speaker.  I think both my parents and Rob's parents have taken that plunge and stepped out on the water and walked with Jesus and they have passed that legacy onto their children. They have seen heartbreak, loss, sickness, richness and poorness.  They have hurt, been unfairly judged, and even been imperfect and made mistakes.  But they have always kept on...  Just doing their very best to love God and be obedient to walk by faith, and do whatever He shows them to.  I think I am doing the same thing... It's their legacy, I am a second generation Christian. It gives me hope for my friends who are brand new christians... that they can change their lives and the legacy that will be given to their children.  I am excited for my children to do the same things.....  So I think, to answer your question,  I am living outside the box, walking on the water with Jesus, always perfectly? No! Always fearless? no! Always in perfect obedience and faith? No! but I am doing it!!! Thanks for asking a great question.  I sometimes have doubts, fears, moments where like Peter I cry out to God and say Lord help, I am sinking.  I question if I am doing enough for God, should I be better, could I be better.....  It was really cool to take a look back and reflect on my walk of faith.  It's all God, he truly has done this work in my life and I pray and ask him to continue until my last breath here and my first breath in eternity.  I want to keep making that same choice everyday to step out of the boat and walk with Jesus on the water.  Living a life of faith.  And I am confident He will continue to do that with me....  

being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun  a good work in you will complete  it  until the day of Jesus Christ; (Philippians 1:6 NKJV)

So now blog readers... all 10 of you! ;-)  I ask you.  Have you stepped out in faith and started walking on the water with Jesus?  If you have, I bet your life is exciting, hard, blessed, scary, and many of the same things mine is.  If you haven’t... you can always start!  My pastor (and father) preached the same message to my church this last Sunday... “Live as if you really believe in Sunday!!! (Referring to resurrection Sunday)” - Leo Giovinetti

10 weeks down.... a lifetime to go.

About 10 weeks ago I got the results from a food allergy blood test I had done.  They found 19 foods that my body was reacting to.  So began the 12 week process of completely eliminating all of those foods.  It has been much harder than I thought possible as most of the foods are things that are in everything.  Some of them are easily labeled, and others are hidden with other scientific names and reading labels has become a real art form.  With that said let me tell you how I got here....

I have always had allergy problems, I take medication for my asthma every day of my life since I was 11, and I have known for a few years certain foods instantly make me sick, or break out in rashes.  For the last 5 years I have been extremely exhausted every day of my life.  I wake up tired and hurting every day.  I don't complain and I just sort of plug through.  Well with my busy life... being tired is a huge hinderance.  I have gone to a few different Dr.s and they have all come to similar results... My body doesn't process things the same as most people, I get tired easily.  I don't process certain things in my body which help you recover after workouts and so with added weight, no diet really working, continuing cysts and hormone problems, racing heart, exhaustion and unable to dive into a workout plan without it causing other health problems.... Well I was gaining weight and just adding to my stressed out body with extra weight.  So as a last result my Dr. suggested this test and to see if eliminating these foods would help so that my body wouldn't be so stressed out constantly fighting these allergens that it could heal itself of the other problems.

Now to explain where I was at spiritually while all this was going on.  I cried every day, asking God for healing.  I went forward for every time prayer for healing was offered.  I read about God asking people if they truly wanted to be healed, I read about God telling people go dunk in the river 7 times, I read about the instant supernatural healing....  About this time I got a free Ebook online about healing in prayer.  In the book the lady asked... what if God had a way for you to be healed but was asking you to do something specific... Would you do it, no matter what it was?  Moving? Changing your diet? Eliminating Toxic Friends?  Whatever He asked... would you do it?  I prayed and said yes I would.

About that same time I got my list of foods that I should no longer eat.... So I have done it.  It has been really hard.  Once you hit 12 weeks on the plan you are allowed to try the foods one food at a time for a week and track any symptoms... I never knew that fatigue, exhaustion, body aches, constipation, stomach aches, sinus headaches, heartburn, skin rashes, acne, and the list goes on..... could all be results of food allergies often showing up days after the offending food has been eaten.

The results.... So far I have lost 24 pounds.  I am not eating less or following any diet other than to not eat my list of 19.  I don't feel tired, I feel so good, like I haven't felt in a long time or ever... I have never  even since I was in High school not had a day where I felt like I needed a nap, just to get through my day (Not that I get a nap, just that I need one)  and other than this last few weeks when I have had the flu, I haven't taken a nap or felt like I needed one at all.  I did accidentally by misreading a label eat something that had 3 of the 19 things in it... within minutes I felt horrible and couldn't believe that was how I felt every day of my life and just functioned through it.

I feel so blessed, God is healing me.  I am being obedient to what He has shown me will heal me and I just pray the blessing continues on.  I hope to update you in another 10 weeks with even better news.....

Being creative in finding time for bible reading and prayer

But when you pray, go away by yourself, shut the door behind you, and pray to your Father in private. Then your Father, who sees everything, will reward you. (Matthew 6:6 NLT)

I have 5 children and finding a spot where I can go away by myself is often a miracle. I attempt to wake before them for my daily quiet time, but sometimes that doesn't happen either. My kids have some strange mom sense. They always seem to know where I am at, when I am awake and they want to be right where I am. So how do I get my daily bible reading and prayer time in.... My little secret. A nice pair of headphones, my husband bought me these 2 years ago. They are mine and the kids know they better not touch them. We used gift cards and coupons and got a great deal, because they are expensive. My other secret is Pandora's instrumental Praise station. I put on the headphones, I turn on the instrumental praise station and I am now sitting in the same room while my kids do school, play, watch mickeys clubhouse or whatever and yet I am in my own private prayer closet. I can pray under my breath, I can read my bible and really hear from God. Even though it's more difficult to find the time to spend with God when we are busy, we don't give up doing it. Maybe you aren't home with 5 kids all day like I am... But a busy office space or busy courtyard at lunch, the headphones and tuning others out will still help you. If you are struggling to find the time or place to read God's word and pray, ask God to help you . He can show you how.

New Year... New Journal!

I love journals.  I go through at least half a dozen in a year.  I use them for notes at church, prayer meetings and bible studies.  I use them to keep track of my dreams. I use them to write prayers when I can't think straight to speak.  I use them for all kinds of things, and I always start a new one in January. Are you surprised?
This past December I was in a slump spiritually and feeling like God just wasn't speaking to me. I shared with my husband... who of course pointed out that I was wrong and God speaks to me all the time.  Mainly through His Word when I read my bible, but in all kinds of other ways too.  I started looking through texts and seeing the bible verses friends would share with me.  I looked through emails and the different devotionals I am subscribed to and how often the themes in them would be the same.  How my bible app verse of the day would often be the exact thing God showed me in my personal reading.  I realized the problem wasn't with God speaking to me... the problem was me remembering what God had said to me.
The bible tells us over and over to remember. Remember the sabbath, remember His name, Remember where you came from, Remember to keep the fire burning on the alter, Remember certain festivals, the list goes on and on.  In Psalm 105:5 it says... Remember the wonders he has performed, his miracles, and the rulings he has given,
So I began praying... what would be a good way for me to remember.  Sometimes with all the journals I go through it's hard to look back and read things He has said to me, because bible notes are mixed in with grocery lists and random doodles... So I have come up with one journal for the year to put it all in.

It's not really a journal, it's a calendar.  Each day as I have my bible time, I jot down the verses that stood out to me, just the reference.  If a friend sends me a verse, or I read one somewhere that stands out to me I write it down.  In the few weeks I did this before January and the start in my new calendar... I began to see patterns, and God confirming things He had said to me.  It was so cool to see how He really is faithful to speak to me... I just need to remember.  I am excited to at the end of next year look back in my calendar and see all the ways God spoke to me.  I also carry a small pocket size calendar that I got in the dollar spot at target to keep track of the verses shared at church or when talking with friends.  It doesn't take any time at all to jot down a quick reference.
The calendar I bought also lets me pop papers in and out, so I have added blank note pages to the "Journal" as well, because I have found God has much more to say to me than these small spaces can hold. :-)  Happy Journaling!

Resolutions, Fresh Starts, New Year ideals... Where to begin? Draw a circle, get in it and pray!

I love lists, I love plans, I love Mondays, new weeks, new months, fresh starts, but most of all I love a brand new year.  I get excited, I spend weeks in prayer prior to the 1st and I ask God, what do you want from me this year?  Then I make a list, keep it in my bible and ask God to do the new work in me for the year and He is always faithful, even when I am not. So what do I want this year... I want revival.  I want revival in my city, in my country, in my church, in my family and friends lives.  So I began praying and reading about prayer, revivals and other’s “success” stories.  I came across this quote and it has stuck with me....

Gypsy Smith a revivalist from the 1800’s was asked how to have a revival. “Go home, lock yourself in your room, draw a circle around yourself w/ chalk, and ask God to start a great revival w/in that circle! When God has answered your prayer the revival will be underway!” 

So my prayer for my home, my family, my friends, my city, my country, my world... begins with me.  This seems to be an ongoing theme in my life.  In the first year of my marriage I quickly became disillusioned with marriage and quickly saw all my husbands shortcomings... God brought me to a book about me being the first to change. I took my focus off of him and put it back on God and what He wanted to do in my life, and my marriage has never been sweeter. My husband continues to grow and be even more amazing every year and I hope he feels the same about me. I have had disputes, frustrations, arguments with people in my life, and God always brings me to His words in Matthew 7:1-5, Not to judge others, not to worry about the speck in their eye, and of course verse 5 standing out the most to me. “Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.” So in my lists and plans for this new year, at the very top is revival... Revival in me!  As far as what’s on the rest of my list... well that’s a whole other blog. I am off to lock myself alone in my bathroom and draw a circle in chalk, get on my knees and pray.  

As you can see... I really did draw a circle in chalk on my floor in my bathroom, I really did get on my knees and pray, and I really am waiting expectantly for God to do a revival in me. Now to go mop my bathroom floor and clean up the chalk.