I check blogger almost every day. I see my post and I think, I need to write another one. Yet this scripture keeps running through my head. 1 Thessalonians 5:21 "Prove all things; hold fast that which is good." I can't even think of how it appears in context in the bible, but for whatever reason it is what is playing in my head every time I look at this place.
Almost 8 months ago I had some testing done. They said my hormones weren't functioning properly, my thyroid wasn't functioning properly along with some other health issues. I tried the treatments, but it messed up my milk supply to Olivia who was only a few months at the time. I was wanting to make it to at least 6 months of nursing so we delayed treatment. Then a few months went by and things just got worse for me. We tried weaning her and she wouldn't have it. Now flash to last month around the 25th and she is 11 months old, eating meals, drinking from a bottle, so if my milk supply dips its going to be OK, we pray and start the treatment back up. A few days later I have a moment with the Lord in devotion where I pray to him for a word and a healing of my mind and all the junk I have let run through it (negative self talk). Then I go to the women's outreach, and I shared what God spoke to me there. Well I made a commitment to NEVER say another negative thing about myself again. As my dad would say I took the sign off my back that says "Kick me, I do!" Out loud, or in my head, it didn't matter, I was never going to say another negative thing again. I posted scripture and really committed to this. God opened my eyes to see other people and how down they talk about themselves, to see how hurt people are. I know I have walked with the Lord a long time and he has faithfully taken me through many many valleys, and highs and hard and easy moments of life. I always pray for healing and once again I have experienced it. He has healed my heart, and healed my body. The problems and there were many I was experiencing from the lack of hormones was horrible and it was debilitating my entire life. Yes he is using modern science, but he created that and I am so grateful. So now that things are balancing out I am on a mission to restore some order into my home... I am back baby!
Family
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Last nights message is inspiring today's behavior.
I had a few friends ask what the message was last night at MVCF's women's ministry outreach was about so I decided to tell. Of course this is only my perspective and what God showed me through it. Let's see where do I begin.....
The evening began with some great worship. I love Roni and her rock out style to the regular worship songs we sing in the big church. Her heart and her genuineness shines through and for some reason I couldn't stop staring at her make up last night... I know silly detail to add, but she just glowed on stage.
We had a few announcements, I plugged our women's ministry FB page, talked about my moms group and took a blurry picture of myself with the crowd behind me.
We had more worship, a technical difficulty with my moms mic and then the study began.
My mom got up there to teach and started with a skit her and Linda had prepared. It really was more of a visualization of what God had showed her. It was about the cross and the body of Jesus on it and how she was following her emotions and feelings as a judge of who she was and how she felt. She didn't like herself so she would partake in anything that helped her "Feel" better. Satan, played by Linda, came along and encouraged her to follow her "feelings" that she should do whatever felt good no matter the cost. He told her their was no cost. Yet she couldn't help but look at the cross and see the body of Jesus, battered and bruised bleeding and then she reached to touch his feet and she looked down and she was covered in his blood. At this point she took her black coat off and put on a red robe. He told her that all her pain and guilty feelings and sins were covered in his blood, then she looked down and she was in all white. At this point she put on a white robe. She told how by believing in Jesus and what he did for us on the cross we were made white as snow. She talked about how we were to take off the labels others put on us, we were to take off the labels we put on ourselves.
I really am not doing this justice. It was powerful and the visual was great. She went on in her message to share about God and his greatness. How we always have time in our day to Praise the Lord. She read from Psalm 103 and from Isaiah. She shared something out of revelations. She had Roni come up and share how God was working in her life.
She prayed for us and used her gift of word of knowledge to give specific words to people in the room. Then we ended with a time of worship and ladies standing up front to pray for people.
So now the personal part.... what did this message mean for me.
I am a negative self talker. So from the moment she said God wants me to remove the labels others have put on me, and the labels I have put on myself.... she had my attention. I start my days telling myself I am fat, I am ugly, I am a failure, there is no way I can be productive in my day, I will never get it all done. I wake up every day tired and sore and defeated before I even start. I doubt my value, I tell myself I am worthless and that there is no purpose for me. I have failed. I am not needed or wanted... the list goes on. I don't end my day much better. I lay in bed for hours tossing and turning thinking of all I didn't do, of how overweight I have become, of bad decisions I have made that day or even 10 years prior. I tell myself I am a huge failure and disappointment to my family. I know I know I am a mess. You look at me and go ok, so she is overweight and yeah maybe she didn't get as much done as she could have, but what does she have to be so negative about... how has she really failed. Its not just today... I have been this way as long as I can remember. I was a size 5 36,24,36 yep the so called ideal measurements and I still felt I had failed at my weight. I was super organized with everything in its place mopped my floors every single day, and I still felt I could have done more, or done it better. Its just my perfectionism, my negative self talk. I have days where I am great and don't say a single negative thing and I have weeks where I am in a mental pit.
I believe in the bible. I believe every word is true. I believe in Jesus, that he is both God's son and God. I believe God came to give us life and that more abundantly... and yet if you could hear the talk that goes on in my head you would say.... You surely don't live it. Well today I am choosing to live as if I believe it. I started my day later then I wanted, less energy then I wanted and yet I am choosing to be joyful and replace my negative thoughts about myself with God's scriptures about me.
Psalm 139:14-18 "Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me."
Guess what he feels the same way about you!
The evening began with some great worship. I love Roni and her rock out style to the regular worship songs we sing in the big church. Her heart and her genuineness shines through and for some reason I couldn't stop staring at her make up last night... I know silly detail to add, but she just glowed on stage.
We had a few announcements, I plugged our women's ministry FB page, talked about my moms group and took a blurry picture of myself with the crowd behind me.
We had more worship, a technical difficulty with my moms mic and then the study began.
My mom got up there to teach and started with a skit her and Linda had prepared. It really was more of a visualization of what God had showed her. It was about the cross and the body of Jesus on it and how she was following her emotions and feelings as a judge of who she was and how she felt. She didn't like herself so she would partake in anything that helped her "Feel" better. Satan, played by Linda, came along and encouraged her to follow her "feelings" that she should do whatever felt good no matter the cost. He told her their was no cost. Yet she couldn't help but look at the cross and see the body of Jesus, battered and bruised bleeding and then she reached to touch his feet and she looked down and she was covered in his blood. At this point she took her black coat off and put on a red robe. He told her that all her pain and guilty feelings and sins were covered in his blood, then she looked down and she was in all white. At this point she put on a white robe. She told how by believing in Jesus and what he did for us on the cross we were made white as snow. She talked about how we were to take off the labels others put on us, we were to take off the labels we put on ourselves.
I really am not doing this justice. It was powerful and the visual was great. She went on in her message to share about God and his greatness. How we always have time in our day to Praise the Lord. She read from Psalm 103 and from Isaiah. She shared something out of revelations. She had Roni come up and share how God was working in her life.
She prayed for us and used her gift of word of knowledge to give specific words to people in the room. Then we ended with a time of worship and ladies standing up front to pray for people.
So now the personal part.... what did this message mean for me.
I am a negative self talker. So from the moment she said God wants me to remove the labels others have put on me, and the labels I have put on myself.... she had my attention. I start my days telling myself I am fat, I am ugly, I am a failure, there is no way I can be productive in my day, I will never get it all done. I wake up every day tired and sore and defeated before I even start. I doubt my value, I tell myself I am worthless and that there is no purpose for me. I have failed. I am not needed or wanted... the list goes on. I don't end my day much better. I lay in bed for hours tossing and turning thinking of all I didn't do, of how overweight I have become, of bad decisions I have made that day or even 10 years prior. I tell myself I am a huge failure and disappointment to my family. I know I know I am a mess. You look at me and go ok, so she is overweight and yeah maybe she didn't get as much done as she could have, but what does she have to be so negative about... how has she really failed. Its not just today... I have been this way as long as I can remember. I was a size 5 36,24,36 yep the so called ideal measurements and I still felt I had failed at my weight. I was super organized with everything in its place mopped my floors every single day, and I still felt I could have done more, or done it better. Its just my perfectionism, my negative self talk. I have days where I am great and don't say a single negative thing and I have weeks where I am in a mental pit.
I believe in the bible. I believe every word is true. I believe in Jesus, that he is both God's son and God. I believe God came to give us life and that more abundantly... and yet if you could hear the talk that goes on in my head you would say.... You surely don't live it. Well today I am choosing to live as if I believe it. I started my day later then I wanted, less energy then I wanted and yet I am choosing to be joyful and replace my negative thoughts about myself with God's scriptures about me.
Psalm 139:14-18 "Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me."
Guess what he feels the same way about you!
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